a testimony

For context, in my journal, there was a single entry written before I began to fill it with entries in 2024. It was written in June 2017. That frail 14 year old who had hope has now seen the fruits of those desperate prayers 7 years later. This is a letter to that same 14 year old boy and a small piece of my testimony.

A letter to myself in 2017. To the past, and to the hope of what is to come.


Dear Stephen,

I remember clearly the days where every day felt like it wasn’t worth living. It’s been more than 18 months since I’ve been able to say I was truly set free from depression. Quite honestly, it’s still surreal to be able to say that. I wonder if you’d ever believe it. It was a long nine years, and I’m sure you couldn’t imagine that your friend would take his life that next Thanksgiving or the three to come after. Six deaths is a lot to see before 20. To get to this point wasn’t easy but by the grace of God, He redeemed us. You always told yourself that life would probably be better if you weren’t here. That is so far from the truth. You’d be surprised how many lives the Lord used you to reach. People you’d never imagine. Stories you never would have imagined you could be a part of.

So. How was it, you ask? Seven years later, God has redeemed it all. The pain, the depth of loneliness you felt. Would you believe me if I told you that God has placed so many brothers in your life? Brothers who would do anything to support you. Brothers who would stick with you thick and thin. They’d make you laugh, they’d make you reflect, and they’d help you grow. I bet you’d be surprised. You never imagined anyone wanted to really be your friend.

I’m still friends with Pastor Josh and I still get to occasionally share a meal with him. Pastor Timothy is doing well in _ (hidden for privacy), I heard. My mom said I might have an opportunity to visit him! His smile and gentle, “Hi, Stephen” every sunday has still stuck with me eight years later. In fact, God has blessed you with even more pastors who lovingly greet you, “Hello!” I bet you couldn’t fathom the crazy personalities some of these pastors have LOL.

When I look back at our reflection, I’m honestly astonished by the hope you had. You had faith to fully believe that God placed you there even in the midst of that suffering. Honestly, eight years later, I’m struggling to believe that. It’s crazy how turbulent this journey is. I’m glad to hear how much hope you had though. God really listened to your prayers as you clung onto that hope. I can say that confidently.

I’m not sure how you’d feel about this but the idea of becoming a pastor no longer crosses my mind. I’m surprised you even felt called to ministry that early on. Are you sure you had a sound mind and were thinking correctly? Either way, I’m sure you’d be happy to hear that your heart for missions hasn’t changed though. In fact, I think the call to ministry has shaped more into a call to missions. Does that excite you? It scares me.

It’s still crazy to think about how big I dreamed back then and how much hope I had. What’s even more crazy is that I can laugh and see how God has grown me since I was in your shoes. To have that childlike hope you had is something that I’m working on again. I hope I can dream big like you again soon. I’m glad to see that it was something I carried with me at some point, that gives me hope.

Are you surprised to hear what happened in seven years? I sure am. God’s done a lot, that’s for sure. Who even knows what crazy things God will do in these next seven? I guess that’s something for the 28-year old me to find out. Maybe if I hit that age I can look back at this again and see another glimpse of growth…

Till we meet again,
snoh