August 20, 2010 (Age 5) - 3:46 pm, The doctor’s office
Breathe. Deep breaths. In, out. No — I can't. It smells strongly like hand sanitizer in here. Are they going to give me a shot today? They gave me a shot last year so they probably won’t do it again, right? What if it hurts? It’s definitely going to hurt. I don’t want the shot. Oh nonono. Please, I don’t want to go get the shot. Goodness, what time is it? Why haven’t they called my name yet? I want to be home, anywhere but here. I’m scared. I’m scared.
Dear God,
Fear consumes my heart when it should be filled with You. My mind is flooded with doubt after doubt, what-if after what-if, and I am suffocating. Why can’t I escape this? What’s wrong with me? I pray and I plead and I try to work every angle to remove this feeling, to believe better, to love better, to have purer faith, but I can’t. Nothing helps. Oh God, what am I doing wrong? Are You not the God who moves mountains? Am I too far gone from Your reach? My God, my God, why have You forsaken me? 1 February 15, 2022 (Age 16) - 12:15 pm, Valley Forge Middle School Hallway
My heart is beating faster again. The pounds on my ribcage are getting stronger. These hallways are so crowded with people and I feel every eye on me. What if one of them looks at me funny or thinks I’m weird? I feel like those girls over there are looking at me funny. Just casually walk by, make quick eye contact, smile if their gaze lingers. No, that’s embarrassing. Gosh, why does part of me want to be like them? They’re so fake. Stop, that’s rude. Wait. Is there someone behind me? What if my shirt looks funny from behind. Ok, just casually smooth it out. Keep walking, just keep walking…
Dear God,
I am so stuck. I’m stuck in my head, stuck in my ways, stuck in this world. The walls I live in are unbreakable. You promised deliverance, but why do I feel like I’m drowning? I reach out my hand, but I sink before I can feel Your touch. I try to press on, but even then, my heart is so clouded with fault and impurity that I fear I am despised by You. I fear I am rejected by You because I constantly reject You. God, I need help even just to want You. Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. 2 August 3, 2025 (Age 20) - 6:33 pm, John Lewis Student Center
I didn’t make the right choice God. I didn’t help her get the door when I saw she needed help. If Your Spirit lives in me, shouldn’t I have the heart to do this simple task? I failed again. Wait no. It’s not about what I do. Remember the Gospel. Jesus has paid it all and His work is complete. Nothing can change that. You are saved. Wait. Am I? Romans 10:9 says “because, if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” Have I confessed it? I think so? What if I am deluding myself? What if I don’t actually believe but I only think I believe and what if I’m a fake and what if it’s all in my head but no just slow down, simplify but I can’t and what if, what if — icantbreatheGodhelpmeineedmorefaithhelpimscared…
Lord,
There’s so much noise in my head. I run in circles, asking question after question, believing that logic will guide me to the answers I seek. But the questions never stop. What if my beliefs are a lie? How can I know You are there? I cannot trust myself. I am afraid of myself. And yet, I am the one person I cannot escape. You tell me to ask without doubting [James 1:6], but my heart and mind are too broken for that. I see Your beauty all around me, Your worthiness of the glory and worship that creation reveals. But with every cry of worship, there is the shout of my unfaithfulness, my endless fault, my questioning, my evil. I try to pick up my cross, but how much longer? My head is in pain. God, I believe, I believe, help my unbelief. 3 October 17, 2025 (Age 20) - 2:02 pm, Outside of John Lewis Student Center
I still have so many assignments to do, plus another five-hour treacherous lab experiment. I will probably mess up anyway and have to redo it so what’s even the point? And after spending all of yesterday fighting off my regular spiraling questions, I truly feel at my end. I don’t know if I have the strength for this day. Deep breath. Look around. The weather is nice at a comfortable 63 degrees. I can’t remember the last time I got to sit outside and just enjoy nature. The wind is a quiet comfort amidst the noise. Is that Your presence, Father? And how come I have never noticed that tree, even after walking by it every single day? It reminds me of You — steady, beautiful, present. Have I been in Your shade all this time?
Dear God,
I am overwhelmed. It seems like I am constantly submerged in noise. This world is so loud. My head is so loud. But Father, yesterday I got to sit outside in Your creation. And the noise seemed to die down a bit. I felt the glow of the sun, the ripple of a fall breeze, the swaying of the saplings. You were there too, I know this is true. How good it is that the place where we find respite is not in our creation, but Yours. I cannot deny that the heavens declare Your glory God, and the sky above proclaims Your handiwork.4 March 13, 2026 (Age 20) - 10:56 pm, The Hive Apartments
Another long day, another day fighting for my faith. It’s so hard most days. I got to worship today though, just silently in my room with my guitar. I played a few songs, and for just a moment, all I felt was the joy of Your company. I forgot how that felt. God, will tomorrow be easier to fight or harder? Will I end up in a deeper hole than the one I started in? I don’t know. That scares me. Maybe that’s not the point. I see now that the antidote to fear is not certainty, but faith. And the faith that has captured me is one of a God who loves because of who He is, regardless of how deep I sink. My faith is small—smaller than a mustard seed [Matthew 17:20]. But I place even that in the hands of a God who has resurrected a man named Jesus and defeated death. If this is true, the voice of fear is incomparable to Your hope. You’ve won the battle. You have won me.
Jesus,
When I look at You, I see Your face — dimly, but one day, face to face [1 Corinthians 13:12]. I see Your glory and Your majesty as light within my inescapable mind. I scratch the surface of Your mercy and goodness in the ordinary. You have shown me that faith is found precisely in moments of fear. When I find myself falling into darkness, I remember that I can’t save myself, but You did. You’ve invaded my heart, shattered the walls, breathed in me new life through Yours. Fear flees at the sight of You, death has no hold. “So Lord, in You will I take my refuge.” 5 “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” - Romans 15:13
Amen
Footnotes
1 Psalm 22:1 ^
2 Psalm 69:1 ^
3 Mark 9:24 ^
4 Psalm 19:1 ^
5 Psalm 11:1 ^
