My Paper Heart

i feel like a piece of paper.

i feel like a piece of paper that they have stolen and crumpled up, and smudged all over with a dark black pen.

now, there are large black streaks marred over the once spotless, perfect page. i feel like that piece of paper and i feel betrayed. i feel dirty. i don't know how to fix it.

it's been a month, and i keep trying to white it out. it works well enough, but you can still see the marks when you hold it up to the light. if i just ignore it, it'll go away.

but what i don't understand is why. why do they keep taking my piece of paper and drawing all over it, ruining and destroying all the things i love about myself? why do they keep undoing all the work i've done to cover it up? i thought they were my family, my friends. but all they do is take advantage of me

why me? when is it going to stop? when are they going to stop??

i've done everything i can. i've been spending all my energy trying to maintain my unlimited supply of white-out. i keep taking my page back, trying to erase what they keep doing to it, but they just won't stop.

i'm exhausted from cleaning up the mess others make on my paper. i never asked for it in the first place. i thought if i kept using all the white-out i have, they would stop. they would see that i'm not going to fall under their betrayals, that i won't react, that i'm strong enough to fix it myself. i can fix it myself. i've been doing it for my whole life.

but they still won't stop. it goes on and on, like they have a pen that just never ever runs out of ink. where do they get so much ink???

January 10th, 2026

Looking back on this, I wish you knew…you are wrong. You can't do it on your own and you can't fix it yourself. Angie, your paper…your heart, it has been scarred and crumpled up. Tattered and broken.

But you do not have to fix it by yourself, nor do you have to carry all of this burden on your own shoulders. Not only because you physically can't in the first place, but because you have a Father, a Father who wants you to run to Him and hand Him all of it.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you,” 1 Peter 5:7 says.

“Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you,” Psalm 55:22 says.

For all your sufferings, for the scars in your heart that you keep covering up, whiting-out all by yourself? You don’t need to anymore. Give it to Him, and watch how it changes your life.

the worst part isn't the constant cycle; it's that i've gotten used to it. i expect it.

i cover it up with white-out and a laugh. i smile because that's what i do. because it's “who i am.” they hand me back another tattered version of my paper, this time even more inked up than before, and i smile.

i am so used to it now. i feel numb.

my piece of paper is theirs now. they can do whatever they want with it.

the hurt? it's so constant, im not even sure what life feels like without it. was there even a time when it wasn't around?

but it's okay because on the outside, i am still in charge. whenever they do anything to my canvas now, i take it with a smile and i don't let an ounce of hurt show so they don't know they have gotten to me. i take it and fix it in the dark, and then they make a mess of it again and i smile and i fix it.

i am in charge if they can't see how it affects me. i am in charge if i keep fixing it. i am in charge if i just keep smiling.

i am in charge, i am in charge, i am in charge.

if i don't do it back to them, and i don't say anything, and i don't react, i am the bigger person, right? they can't get to me this way.

i'm overreacting. it's just a few marks and they always give it back to me. i can fix it on my own anyway…it's better than saying something and risking losing everyone i love. it's better than speaking out and causing a fight.

i don't want to fight; i have no energy to fight. i just want this to be as painless as possible. everything feels numb now and everything points to me being the problem.

maybe they are right. maybe i am not worth anything. maybe i don't deserve to be treated right.

i think if i just keep this up, if i keep using my white-out and smiling, i won't feel it anymore and it'll all be over. i'll get so used to it that it just becomes a part of my life, a part of me, and a habit. it won't hurt as much this way.

they are probably right.

January 21st, 2026

Oh, how it hurts my heart now to hear you talking to yourself like that.

Don't you know? You are made in the image of God. To Him, you are worth so much more than any sparrow or flower. You are worth dying on the cross for. Because of Christ's sacrifice, because of His grace and mercy, you are worth everything.

And it says:

“If God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith!”

If such a temporary thing like grass is cared for and dressed so beautifully, don't you think He would do the same and even more for you, His daughter, His child?

God rejoices over you with gladness, He quiets you with His love, He exalts over you with loud singing (Zephaniah 3:17). His love and affection for you is beyond our understanding. So why would you talk to yourself that way? Why would you say you don't deserved to be treated right, that you aren't worth anything?

You are worth everything to your Father in Heaven, who wishes you could see yourself through His eyes. To know and feel and understand His unconditional love for you. You are worth everything to God, and that is all that matters. That is the only thing you need to hold onto.

i can't stop.

i can't stop pretending it's all okay.

i can't stop hiding.

i want to stop.

but i don't know how.

it's become so engraved in me. it's a part of me. it's who i am.

will there ever be someone to take my paper without adding marks to it? will there ever be someone who asks for it, then takes it… smooths it out and hands it back to me? then gives me a hug and tells me they still love me anyway?

February 7th, 2026

It's hard. I still struggle with hiding, pretending everything is okay, trying to be the perfect person for everyone else, being completely surrounded in loving communities and yet…feeling so, so alone. I can't lie and say that it gets any easier to open yourself up.

But I can say that that's not your entire identity anymore. It's not who you are.

Every scar, every flaw, every part of you that you believe to be so shameful…you are His creation. His love for you is not based on any of your works, or your mistakes, or your inability to truly open up. His unconditional love is based on who He is (a forgiving, merciful God) and His perfect love for you.

And because of His perfect love for you, you do have someone you can go to. Someone you can always go to. Jesus is the perfect friend, who always has his arms wide open, running after you, calling your name, just waiting for you to run into his arms and cry like the broken child you are. He waits patiently, arms open…for you to hand him your paper, your heart. He doesn't rush you and he never leaves.

When you tentatively give it to him, taking that chance, he doesn't give it back all torn up. He clears all the stains from it. He washes it clean. And then he hands it back and tells you, “I love this paper. I love your heart. All of it. Stains, no stains. I know you and I still love all of you.”

i'm tired of being so strong for everyone. i'm tired of using all of my white-out, trying to make my page look spotless and clean for everyone.

and for what? just for people to take it and crumple it up and scribble all over it again and throw it back to my face, laughing.

because how could i, the “sweetest” “always smiling” “so optimistic” “constantly happy” “most outgoing” person, possibly have anything to be upset about?

do i even have a right to be upset?? do i even have the right to tell them all to stop? it feels like i don't. i don't even know how to be brave enough to. they have smeared me into fear and obligation. obligation to continue being the perfect person for everyone.

it's not that i don't want to. it's that i don't feel i have the right to be anything but that.

February 15th, 2026

You're tired? Angie, go to Him. Go to Him and cry out, scream out how tired you are, how burdened you are. His grace is sufficient for you because His power is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). He is not like everyone else. He is not like those people taking your heart and making a mess of it. He is enough, there is nothing He can't handle.

“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10

So when you are tired and weak, Angie, you are strong in Christ. Don't be afraid to be weak in front of Him, He will hold you. He will sustain you.

February 17th, 2026

As for fear, God gave us a spirit of power and love and self-control, not of fear (1 Timothy 1:7). You know, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear…” (1 John 4:18) and “…God is love” (1 John 4:8, 1 John 4:16).

God is love, and God is perfect love. And that perfect love from Him alone drives out fear. Draw near Him, crave to know Him and only Him, and slowly, your fear and your obligation will stop consuming your life because He will be more important than anything else.

February 20th, 2026

Out of all my scars, my need to be perfect for everyone else is the hardest to give up. When it's written in your mannerisms, when you have been raised in a lifestyle that demands perfection to avoid conflict…what else are you supposed to do?

But Angie, what can flesh do to you? (Psalm 56:4). Are you seeking the approval of man or of God? Galatians 1:10 tells you, if you are seeking to please man, you are not a servant of Christ. Above all else, it is impossible to please man. You will only keep trying and keep trying just to fall short every single time.

Instead, look to Jesus because he has already made you perfect in God's eyes. For Romans 2:23-24 tells us, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.”

Thanks to Jesus and his sacrifice on the cross, you no longer need to be perfect to be saved and welcomed with open arms in the Kingdom of Heaven. It is because of God's love, that He sent his only Son into the world, so that we can live through him.

“In this is love, not that we have loved God, but that He loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins” (1 John 4:9-10).

So now, we imitate Paul's mindset in Philippians 3:12, striving to be perfect like Jesus— not because we can be perfect or because we are perfect, nor for the sake of man— but because we have indefinite security in the knowledge that we are already loved and perfected in God's eyes. We strive to be perfect like Jesus because his love pours out on us and in return, we try to be perfect for him out of love as well.

At the end of the day, it is not man's approval that matters. It is God's. And so in your strive for perfection for Him, know that your mistakes, failures, and flaws are already accounted for by the only One who is perfect. Nothing else, no one else matters. Just Him.

i am so ashamed of myself. i hate who i have become. i hate this page. it's covered in marks, stains, scribbles. even with my white-out, you can see everything when you hold it up, still. it's a mess. it's ripping at the seams. it's not even a page anymore. it's barely holding onto life, just like me.

i have come to hate my heart. hate that i am so ashamed of myself. hate that i feel so deeply, but instinctively tamper it down and hide hide hide for the sake of others. hate that i can never stand up for myself. hate that i succumb to everything so easily. hate that i can even talk to myself like i am right now.

who said i am optimistic? if only they all knew, my head and my heart are dark, all-consuming voids full of thoughts that keep me in chains.

but no one cares to hear me anyway. no one wants to hear me. no one would ever truly understand. so what else can i do but keep it all to myself and hope that someone will look at me, past all the smiles and laughs and bubbliness, and know that i am not okay, and ask for my page, for my heart, and take care of it for a change.

March 13th, 2026

Hear me out. What if all these stains, scribbles, creases, white-out, and marks were really just a part of a larger, more magnificent masterpiece that you can't see yet?

Right now, it looks like a mess. It looks imperfect, dirty, and unclean. But what if you just can't see the full picture? Because God can, and God says that you are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

You are God's beloved creation, made in His image. Why do you hate something He has intricately created? He does not think your heart is dirty. He sees it as the most beautiful thing. So, Angie, try to see yourself how He does. And if you can't, it's okay, because He can, and like I said before, His approval is the only one that matters…even above your own.

March 27th, 2026

Have you ever really stopped to truly sit in the truth that Jesus was a human, 100% flesh? He went through all the trials and shame you are facing now. He was mocked, judged, insulted. He was trampled on and taken advantage of, just as you have been. But Jesus came into this world to be our Savior. He came down, became equal with us so that we can have an image, a perfect person to look to and be our source of love and comfort when we fall short.

For Hebrews 4:15-16 reminds us that we have a high priest who can and does sympathize with our weaknesses. It reminds us that he has been tempted in every way, just as we are, but he did it all without sin.

And because we have Jesus, Angie, you should be reaching towards him with confidence. He understands!! He knows when you are upset, before you are even upset. He wraps his arms around you at all times. He knows you, more than anyone or anything on this earth could. And he still loves you. He chooses you, always. He takes care of you, always. So when you feel like you have nothing, you have Him, and I promise you, nothing else will compare to that love, that comfort, that security. Reach for Him, Angie. Reach.

handwritten:

God,

Right now it’s 12:23am and I’m sitting in my dorm room as a freshman in college, writing this entry. Each time I look back at my thoughts from the past, I am in complete awe of Your goodness, mercy, and faithfulness to me. From providing me such a beautiful community to getting baptized to exponentially growing my faith in 9 short months, no words could express my endless gratitude.

But God, you know my heart. You know it is still tainted with the scars of my past. You know that no matter how hard I try to move forward, I still feel chained. I am still afraid, I am still so so lonely, I am still empty inside. I desperately wish for things I know only You can control, but I’m impatient, God. I am still struggling.

But I also know the most beautiful thing is that I have so much more strength, through You. I can feel that strength giving me life and hope on my worst days. God, I owe you everything. Everything I am, everything I do, everything I strive for…I give it all to You, so have Your way in me now. I am taking my hands off the wheel, from now to forever.

I trust You. You are in control now, not me.

love,

angie